So from now on I’ll be posting all my hilarious blogs over at zine-zine.com - a brand new web based blog magazine founded by yours truly. I’ll still be posting on here from time to time but it will be all business.  So… go read zine-zine!

Most people look at my life and say, “Chris, you’ve got everything going for you. You’re handsome, rich, charming, and I’ve heard a lot of rumors that you’re a world-class lover.  What else could you possibly want?” And while all of those things are true, there is still tons of stuff that I want.  So I’ve assembled a little list.  This way everyone will know exactly what gifts to shower me with this Christmas.  Keep in mind I’ve been especially good this year and that I deserve all of these.

1. JAPANESE ROBO-LEGS
I can’t tell you how often I’ve been walking somewhere and thought to myself, “This totally blows. There’s got to be a better way!”  Well it turns out there is.  Honda Robotics have built what amounts to a Civic for your legs.  They are battery powered, mechanical assist limbs that give you all the street cred of walking without having to actually exert any effort.  Sure they look like they ride up a little in the crotch but that is a small price to pay for taking my laziness into the 21st Century. Retail $N/A (they are still in beta testing but I know some of you who read this blog have an ‘in’ with Japan and/or robots — hook a brotha up!)

2. A DELOREAN
I’m pretty sure I’ve asked for this every year since 1985 and Santa has yet to come through.  But listen, dude (Santa) I need this.  No woman will be able to resist me if I when I come pick them up in a Delorean.  I won’t need a job or a place to live or to continue to bathe and groom myself.  Why?  Because I’ll have a Delorean.

ME: Hi, pretty lady.
PRETTY LADY: You smell and lack a means to support me… Is that a Delorean?
ME: Hells yes it is.
PRETTY LADY: Marry me!

$66,500.95  for a “new build” with all the extras from Delorean Motor Company Inc.

3. Wi-Fi DETECTING SHIRT
I don’t really know if I can say anything witty about this… It’s a shirt. That lights up. When you are near a Wi-Fi hotspot.  It doesn’t say it in the ad but I’m almost positive this comes with a free, lifetime supply of Atomic Wedgies. $19.95 from ThinkGeek.com (also check out the drum machine shirt - now when you annoy your friends with a freestyle rap proclaiming your street dominance you can give yourself a beat).

4. MONKEY PICKED TEA
One thing everyone knows about me is that I will eat anything that’s been touched by monkeys.  Plus the website I found this on gives the product description in (near) perfect Haiku:

Rare wild Chinese tea.
Picked only by Specially trained monkeys.
Contains powerful antioxidants.

$17 from Edible.com.  Also, be sure to check out the Green Crocodile Curry and Lizard Wine (yes, it’s an aphrodisiac).

5. HOMESTAR PLANETARIUM
I often lure women back to my place by promising to show them the infinity of space and time by which I mean tongue kissing and episodes of Transformers.  They usually leave very quickly and very disappointed.  Well, not any more, ladies!  With the Homestar Planetarium I really can show you the infinity of space and time….  Then I’m probably still going to try and tongue kiss you.  $169.95 from Edmund Scientific (actually, I really kind of want this).

6. YOU
Yes, that’s right, you. Whoever you are, where ever you are, if you are reading this and you’re not standing next to me right this second then I want you for Christmas.  You see, far too often we lose sight of the true meaning of Christmas.  Christmas is not about malls or mad cap spending sprees or getting a sweet pair of robot legs.  Christmas is about about love and family and appreciating the gifts that don’t come wrapped up underneath a tree.  Christmas is a time to take stock in your life and to be thankful for all that you have and then realizing that you don’t really have anything of worth and that you’ve wasted another perfectly good year of your life being sad and alone and making very little difference in the world.  And then filling up that gaping void in your life with anything you can find;  candy canes, turkey legs, new boyfriends/girlfriends, credit card debt, turtle doves, egg nogg, song ans dance, pie, pretty much anything made out of tinsel.  The point is, Christmas is about voids and filling those voids.  And, thankfully, it’s the one time all year it is socially acceptable to cover up your short-comings and loneliness with extreme excess.  And that truly is, a gift you can’t put a price on.

_____

TRACK OF THE DAY

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

I’ve used the same lip balm since roughly age 12 - Blistex Ultra Protection with SPF 30 (my lips are hot enough without adding a sun burn to them).  This was a conscious effort to give all the ladies who kiss me (by my count its up to 3) the same soft, slightly vanilla sensual experience.  Kind of like a TGIFriday’s; it may not be the best food but at least you know its going to be pretty consistent from visit to visit.  Anyway, I found out last week Blistex is discontinuing my brand.  Luckily Amazon.com (San Jose was completely sold out) had two left which means I’m set for the next two months but what’s going to happen after that?  What if I meet my dream woman and she only loves me for my soft, un-sunburnt lips?  I’ll be doomed as soon as my supply runs out.  I’m going to need a new brand immediately.  What’s even good these days?  Cherry LipSmackers?  This is just like when Coke tried to trick everyone with “New Coke” or when they tried to pull the wool over our eyes with Crystal Pepsi.  No one likes changes, least of all me.  Which means my only real option here is to steal the Blistex secret formula and start mixing up batches of my own balm.  I’m going to need some Erlenmeyer Flasks…

_____

TRACK OF THE DAY

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

I’ve hated my mailman for years now.  He’s always looking through my mail, judging me, piecing my sad life together by postal activity, acting out little life-plays with paper bag puppet characters based on my neighborhood with facts gleened from the occasional “unsealed” prison pen pal letter or mail order cereal box give away.  Oh, he’s says “hello” and “good day” to you as he hands off your parcels but underneath that weather beaten smile and wool mail delivery outfit I know what he really means to say is, “I know who you are Chris Mieuli, you can’t hide your true self from me.  I deliver your mail!!  XOXO Larry, the Postman.”

Anyway, today I learned that the feeling is mutual and the Post Office hates me, too.  According to the History Channel those mail goons filed legislation to outlaw the mailing of Christmas cards - they tried to kill Christmas! Yes, this was back in 1822 and yes, it was more a ploy to get more mailmen hired for the Holiday rush but that’s not the point.  The point is they (the government) can’t ban sending Christmas cards.  Aside from coupons to Carpet World and bills I refuse to pay, Christmas cards are the only true mail I receive all year.  Well, I say if the Post Office wants a war they just got one.

That’s why this year I am making a shameless appeal for you to send me Christmas cards so I can get rid of my stupid mailman and his pleasant demeanor and timely mail delivery once and for all.  God, I hate him so much…

Please send Christmas greetings, Holiday cookies, Chanukah donuts, or Kwanzaa frozen steaks to:

Chris Mieuli

6919 Westmoor Way

San Jose, CA 95129

Also, if you’d like a card in return please email me with your address and I’ll be sure to get to it never.  Also, please don’t attempt to poison or explode me. Also, I’m not kidding, send me mail, I’m so lonely…  er… umm… I mean, filled with lust… for the mailman… blood lust.

_____

TRACK OF THE DAY

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Thoughts…

• As proud as I am of our nation right now I’m pretty disappointed in California (specifically Southern California) for passing Prop 8.  Sorry, gay people.  Next election maybe we can pass a proposition that says “No Fat Chicks.”

• Every time the news stations cut to a GOP election “party” I like to count the the young, dark-skinned people I see; it doesn’t take me very long.

• I wish I were black and could proclaim through tears how I feel like anything is possible for me and children now.  Luckily, Obama is also part white so I feel like I can at least halfway keep on believing that whitey still runs world.

• Barack Obama sounds so smooth when he talks. I’m thinking about putting on a mix CD of his speeches the next time I’m in the mood… for love.

• Part of me is slightly disappointed we won’t have Sarah Palin to kick around anymore.  Can we get her a reality TV show immediately?

• I am happy to see that almost 5 million Facebook users voted or at least said they did.  I guessing most of them were people under 30 and the rest of them just didn’t want to feel left out.  I can live with voting as a status symbol.  (My votes be spinnin’!  They spinnin’!!)

• Sasha and Malia get a puppy??? I want to be jealous of this and force my own father to become president so I too can get a puppy but those kids are adorable!  I would totally buy them 8 million puppies.

An open letter to the new president…

Dear Barack,

I feel ok calling you by your first name because that’s how you sign the outrageous number of emails you send me every day.  Needless to say I feel like we are pals which is perfect because I’ve always wanted a black friend.  So as one of your closest buds let me be the first to say, “Welcome to the jungle.”  America and the world are a mess.  Let me be clear here, this statement has nothing to do with my love for either, as I love them both very much despite my urgings to burn this planet in favor of colonizing space.  But much like the alcoholic uncle who spends one too many thanksgivings shouting at the dinning room wall, my love does not keep me from seeing that perhaps a few weeks at the BFC might do us all some good.    Want another analogy? You’ve just been handed the keys to a car that with a check engine light on and smoke raising from the hood,  and that some of us would just assume trade in for a sleek, new European model.  Now you’ve not only got to drive it in the right direction but you’re going to have to do some serious repair work while you steer and, most importantly, you’re going to have to keep us all on board for the trip.  And although some of us were not even sure you were “experienced” enough to even have a license, it looks like you’re the man now, dog.  You’ve got a majority in both the House and the Senate for the next two years at least.  And, more importantly, you have a majority of us - Americans and the world - buying into what you’re selling.  We are here, hoping, waiting, and ready for a revolution, please don’t let us down…

Sincerely,

America

_____

TRACK OF THE DAY

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

I kind of forgot how good you are.  I had barely listened to Sky Blue Sky when it first came out, mostly because Volkswagen was using it to sell Passats and it made me want to die a little.  But now that that’s all over with I can get back to loving you and your deconstructed, country-fusion  ways.

In case you forgot…

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

There is some good coming out of our current economic recession - lobster is now cheaper than dog food. Apparently, no one can afford to buy lobsters at outrageous prices anymore so there is a huge surplus which means lower prices.  They’re selling at about $3.49/lb.  Which is cheaper than gas.   Now, maybe you can’t run your car on lobster fuel but I always knew my lobster-powered street sled would come in handy one day.  MUSH!

NOVA replays late at night around here which is good because I’ve given up sleeping in favor of scientific exploration through television.  Last night they had a documentary about Quantum Physics by the lead singer of the Eels whoes dad happens to be possibly the most brilliant person you’ve never heard of; real name, Hugh Everett. He only had one theory in his short and mostly obscure life but that theory, known today as the “Many Worlds Interpretation” (MWI, if you’re nasty), completely changes everything you’ve ever known about life, the universe, and everything.  Here’s what it states, straight from the mouth of an actual and well-respected physicist:

“So, in Everett’s view, when the human correlates herself—that is, interacts, exchanging energy with the gram of carbon or a clock or whatever—she splits like an amoeba. She splits into copies of herself, one for each element in the superposition.

…Everett showed mathematically that there would be no contact between the copies, that each copy when it correlated to an element of a superposition in the object it was observing would in effect then go off on a track that was a completely separate universe from the other copies that were doing the same thing, correlating with other elements of the superposition. They would all be going off within their separate universes.”

This means that, for everything you’ve done (or haven’t done) and everything everyone else has (or hasn’t) done there’s a parallel universe where it’s happening.  And this is all backed up… WITH MATH!  And we all know math doesn’t lie, right Andrew? (see mathematical proof providing women are evil)

So basically there are an infinite number of you’s out there and an infinite number of me’s out there in an infinite number of universes.  And with the possibilities being infinite I’m sure I’ve killed you in at least one of those worlds.  Plus we’ve probably totally kissed!  Which, depending on who are you, is gross or possibly highly erotic.  Who knows?  Anything goes out there in the infinite possibilities of parallel existence void of the confines of human consciousness.  You just sit and think about that for a little bit.  My mind is officially blown (ha chi ma chi).

I used to love Found Magazine then Drew brought home the Dirty Found Magazine with found pictures of the world’s mostly hideous people - nude!  But I stumbled across another Found find the other day during my daily internet rummaging and remembered just how great people’s random notes and jottings can be when taken completely out of context and read by strangers.

I’ve bookmarked a few good ones below.

YOU INSIDE OF ME

CROSSING THE DELAWARE

NOTE TO SELF

SIMPLE REQUEST

SUMMER PLANS

I also just suggest typing in “list” in the search field.  There’s a good amount of hilarious lists out there.

I suggest the Slanket.  Nothing says “never touch me” like wrapping yourself up in a blanket with sleeves.  I myself own several in a variety of colors to match my every mood from bitter and alone to snarky and alone.

…I gave up a long time ago.