Most people look at my life and say, “Chris, you’ve got everything going for you. You’re handsome, rich, charming, and I’ve heard a lot of rumors that you’re a world-class lover.  What else could you possibly want?” And while all of those things are true, there is still tons of stuff that I want.  So I’ve assembled a little list.  This way everyone will know exactly what gifts to shower me with this Christmas.  Keep in mind I’ve been especially good this year and that I deserve all of these.

1. JAPANESE ROBO-LEGS
I can’t tell you how often I’ve been walking somewhere and thought to myself, “This totally blows. There’s got to be a better way!”  Well it turns out there is.  Honda Robotics have built what amounts to a Civic for your legs.  They are battery powered, mechanical assist limbs that give you all the street cred of walking without having to actually exert any effort.  Sure they look like they ride up a little in the crotch but that is a small price to pay for taking my laziness into the 21st Century. Retail $N/A (they are still in beta testing but I know some of you who read this blog have an ‘in’ with Japan and/or robots — hook a brotha up!)

2. A DELOREAN
I’m pretty sure I’ve asked for this every year since 1985 and Santa has yet to come through.  But listen, dude (Santa) I need this.  No woman will be able to resist me if I when I come pick them up in a Delorean.  I won’t need a job or a place to live or to continue to bathe and groom myself.  Why?  Because I’ll have a Delorean.

ME: Hi, pretty lady.
PRETTY LADY: You smell and lack a means to support me… Is that a Delorean?
ME: Hells yes it is.
PRETTY LADY: Marry me!

$66,500.95  for a “new build” with all the extras from Delorean Motor Company Inc.

3. Wi-Fi DETECTING SHIRT
I don’t really know if I can say anything witty about this… It’s a shirt. That lights up. When you are near a Wi-Fi hotspot.  It doesn’t say it in the ad but I’m almost positive this comes with a free, lifetime supply of Atomic Wedgies. $19.95 from ThinkGeek.com (also check out the drum machine shirt - now when you annoy your friends with a freestyle rap proclaiming your street dominance you can give yourself a beat).

4. MONKEY PICKED TEA
One thing everyone knows about me is that I will eat anything that’s been touched by monkeys.  Plus the website I found this on gives the product description in (near) perfect Haiku:

Rare wild Chinese tea.
Picked only by Specially trained monkeys.
Contains powerful antioxidants.

$17 from Edible.com.  Also, be sure to check out the Green Crocodile Curry and Lizard Wine (yes, it’s an aphrodisiac).

5. HOMESTAR PLANETARIUM
I often lure women back to my place by promising to show them the infinity of space and time by which I mean tongue kissing and episodes of Transformers.  They usually leave very quickly and very disappointed.  Well, not any more, ladies!  With the Homestar Planetarium I really can show you the infinity of space and time….  Then I’m probably still going to try and tongue kiss you.  $169.95 from Edmund Scientific (actually, I really kind of want this).

6. YOU
Yes, that’s right, you. Whoever you are, where ever you are, if you are reading this and you’re not standing next to me right this second then I want you for Christmas.  You see, far too often we lose sight of the true meaning of Christmas.  Christmas is not about malls or mad cap spending sprees or getting a sweet pair of robot legs.  Christmas is about about love and family and appreciating the gifts that don’t come wrapped up underneath a tree.  Christmas is a time to take stock in your life and to be thankful for all that you have and then realizing that you don’t really have anything of worth and that you’ve wasted another perfectly good year of your life being sad and alone and making very little difference in the world.  And then filling up that gaping void in your life with anything you can find;  candy canes, turkey legs, new boyfriends/girlfriends, credit card debt, turtle doves, egg nogg, song ans dance, pie, pretty much anything made out of tinsel.  The point is, Christmas is about voids and filling those voids.  And, thankfully, it’s the one time all year it is socially acceptable to cover up your short-comings and loneliness with extreme excess.  And that truly is, a gift you can’t put a price on.

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TRACK OF THE DAY

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