I’ve hated my mailman for years now.  He’s always looking through my mail, judging me, piecing my sad life together by postal activity, acting out little life-plays with paper bag puppet characters based on my neighborhood with facts gleened from the occasional “unsealed” prison pen pal letter or mail order cereal box give away.  Oh, he’s says “hello” and “good day” to you as he hands off your parcels but underneath that weather beaten smile and wool mail delivery outfit I know what he really means to say is, “I know who you are Chris Mieuli, you can’t hide your true self from me.  I deliver your mail!!  XOXO Larry, the Postman.”

Anyway, today I learned that the feeling is mutual and the Post Office hates me, too.  According to the History Channel those mail goons filed legislation to outlaw the mailing of Christmas cards - they tried to kill Christmas! Yes, this was back in 1822 and yes, it was more a ploy to get more mailmen hired for the Holiday rush but that’s not the point.  The point is they (the government) can’t ban sending Christmas cards.  Aside from coupons to Carpet World and bills I refuse to pay, Christmas cards are the only true mail I receive all year.  Well, I say if the Post Office wants a war they just got one.

That’s why this year I am making a shameless appeal for you to send me Christmas cards so I can get rid of my stupid mailman and his pleasant demeanor and timely mail delivery once and for all.  God, I hate him so much…

Please send Christmas greetings, Holiday cookies, Chanukah donuts, or Kwanzaa frozen steaks to:

Chris Mieuli

6919 Westmoor Way

San Jose, CA 95129

Also, if you’d like a card in return please email me with your address and I’ll be sure to get to it never.  Also, please don’t attempt to poison or explode me. Also, I’m not kidding, send me mail, I’m so lonely…  er… umm… I mean, filled with lust… for the mailman… blood lust.

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TRACK OF THE DAY

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